A period of two years has passed by, like leaves falling from trees.
I enjoy reading past posts, or should I say, ramblings? Expressions of teen angst? The inside of the mind of a certain character that has certain 'personal issues', is afraid to open up to those around them, yet they are comfortable posting on the internet? Yes. That was oh-so entertaining.
A matter of two years has resulted in growing up, a complicated heartbreak (who am I without one?), a new image, different world views and many adventures.
Growing Up
In the two years of absence, many a things have happened, including 'growing up'. I have done this with reluctance. As a child, you always wish to be older. Let's face it, the media has raised us to aspire to being older, have you watched 'Suddenly 30'? It addresses that issue.
Admit it. When you were younger you wanted to have cleavage like the Victoria's Secret models, you wanted to wear makeup and wear high heels. Everyone has wanted this at some point in their life, even if you were an alleged 'tomboy'.
As soon as I started wearing makeup, I stopped wearing makeup. There's a part of me that has a firm hold on my childhood. I'm scared. Change scares me. Maybe it's the lack of exposure that I've had to the real world?
For example:
Most people are used to random, nice guys talking to them and trying to pick them up. I am not.
I actually fear having a person ask me out because, to be quite honest, I have not actually spoken to my parents about the matter, this really emphasises the speed at which I'm growing up. To be fair though, I did only just have the talk about other forms of 'feminine hygiene' products with my mother like, a couple of months ago (TMI, I know.)
The end of school was definitely not a celebration for me. I did shed some tears because school was the best time of my life and I really miss it.
University begins around the end of February, so watch out world.
Complicated Heartbreak?
It's quite obvious and well-known that I am a hopeless romantic that has never experienced romance. Well, here's my past two years:
This is a story of boy meets girl, however, I must warn you that it is definitely NOT a love story.
I walked into homeroom, my first day at a new school, I was assigned to a seat beside 'him'. This is oh-so cliche, however, this is no exaggeration.
He was the kindest, nicest, most wonderful guy you could meet. He was a very friendly person, greeting me, showing interest, engaging in conversation. He was my first real 'friend' at my new school.
Homeroom was my favourite part of the day, when we got to talk to each other. I'd always smile after our quick, little, meaningless conversations. Time had passed and I began to fall for him. We checked out each others' music and shared music, it was our common ground.
During this time, I grew close to another girl, she became a very close friend. I, myself, being a supposed 'romantic' am very good at reading body language. Or maybe I just overthink things to the point where I come to an understanding, that which is the truth?
However, I had a feeling that she might have had feelings for the same person, who can blame her? He was kind, friendly, quiet, shy, intelligent and just wonderful, a light in the darkness? Someone that you always feel safe with.
A year had gone by, I never told anyone. Once you tell someone a secret, the truth is to be revealed in time. Halfway through my second year of 'affectionate feelings', I told someone.
It was too much to handle, I couldn't take it anymore. The endless longing and the secrets that I was holding inside, they were crashing over me, drowning me to the point where I had grown used to keeping a 'happy mask' on in order to hide the truth. I couldn't take it any longer. I wanted to stop the feelings. I felt bad for feeling them, especially when I could see how happy he was and how much he really did like her, and how much she liked him.
I felt like I was intruding. It wasn't my fault. You can't help who you fall for. There's a reason why I fell for him and I am yet to understand.
The person I told was a close friend of 'him'. He ended up breaking my trust, betraying me and telling 'him' behind my back. I don't handle rejection well. I try so hard to avoid situations where rejection is a possible outcome, this had all been explained to said 'friend', however, he decided to tell.
It had been three months of awkwardness between me and 'him' after that. I did not understand. Things were going so well until then. I hated it.
Everyone tried to pretend that they did not know, I could see through it all. Who better than a person that lies to everyone everyday?
When I finally found out about the betrayal, it was as though I wasn't allowed to be angry about it. I wasn't allowed to cry. I couldn't do anything.
There I was, not supposed to tell anyone.
I was suffocating, I couldn't breathe.
The mask fell down and revealed a canvas of blankness. Just blankness.
I couldn't control myself, my emotions melted together to create a plain, grey paste.
Everytime I saw 'him', my stomach lurched, my mouth twitched and my heart ached.
I would try to avoid speaking to the friend and 'him'.
One night 'he' thought it was enough. Thank goodness, or else I wouldn't get the marks to go to uni.
I was supposed to be writing my economics essay, but I just couldn't think. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't care anymore. What was it all for anyway?
'He' popped up on Facebook. Niceties such as 'hey' out of the way, the mood got tense.
The 'I'm sorry', 'you know about your friend liking me', 'I don't want to ruin our friendship', 'I'll always be your friend', 'you're awesome' began.
Yes, I did indeed know the whole time that one of my closest friends liked you too. Hence why I didn't tell you. It would have been different if she didn't like you. I would have told you about me and gotten it out of the way. Things would have been simple.
The word 'friend' is simply a word used to reject someone. Noone REALLY means that they just want to be friends. To be honest, if my best friend asked me out and I didn't want to go out with him, I would say "I'm sorry but I'm not into you in that way", at least they know that I'm not into them in that way. But the word 'friend' masks so many things. I want to know, honestly, do you like me? Have you ever actually liked me? Or are you just not into me?
We're currently in this awkward state where I don't know how to act.
It's like, that was the end? I guess it was supposed to be the end for him, but I'm stuck in this weird limbo where I really want to tell him that I really liked him, a lot, just for closure, but he has already made it blatantly impossible through one conversation.
I guess I just have to deal with it?
Image ManipulationA new year, a new you!
Just kidding. I'm still exactly the same, with added features such as a new form of income, a new educational pursuit and a new Lego stationery set.
I'm now a checkout chick, and whilst I do often checkout people, I still don't feel ready to.
I'm a first year, yay!
My lego stationery set is amazeballs. I can't wait to rearrange my desk.
World Views?
I'm a peace-loving person. Or at least I try to be one.
Being a very ethnic person, I have grown up accepting people from different cultures and religions basically because I, myself, will never truly fit in anywhere so I have respect for everyone in the hopes that they will respect me back.
Religion is one social convention that has always stumped me.
Many people grow up in a family that practises a certain religion, or they go on a long journey to find themselves. Sometimes both.
I started my religious journey 8 years ago and I must say, it has been a long 8 years.
My family is of mixed faith, my mother's family has members from every Christian denomination, the most prominent being Mormon. My father's family is Hindu, yet my father claims he is Buddhist. My sister says she is Hindu and my mother identifies with my father.
I have always been the black sheep of the family in terms of my views on basically everything.
I have found religion to be such an important aspect of my life for one, simple reason: I get to choose it.
My decision had to be well thought out. I have studied religion since I was 10 years old, it was a secret hobby of mine. I didn't only study main religions, I studied a variety of others, mainly for entertainment purposes (This led to my brilliant results in the final exams, for the religion course)
My research led me to the conclusion that all religions are based on the same concepts:
1. Respect yourself and others.
2. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
3. Be a kind-hearted person.
4. Believe in yourself.
Those four points are the basis of every religion.
1, 2 and 3 are pretty straight-forward and obvious in every religion, however, number four is a bit more complex.
'Believing in yourself' is emphasised in every religion through the form 'God'.
We pray to a higher being who has a variety of names, the most common, being, 'God'.
Well, God, gives us the power to do better things, to help others, helps our family and friends, keeps us safe, is always there for us, etc.
However, why is it that God helps us? Because we believe in God.
This belief in God gives us strength and confidence, that which we do not find within ourselves.
In Catholicism, you're taught that the Holy Spirit lives within you. The Holy Spirit is, essentially, God? This means that the power is within yourself.
[I should have said this before, but, if you do not like what I am typing then please, do not read it.]
I'm not denying the existence of God, I'm supporting it.
Yes, God does exist, but only if you believe in it.
God comes in many forms, but essentially, it is belief in yourself.
Why do you think that Buddhism has no God?
Belief in yourself is emphasised in Buddhism. Taking 'God' out of the equation causes people to see clearly, what it is that they are working towards in life. Religions like Christianity help to ease people into the idea of believing in themselves.
All religions are a journey, but whatever path you choose, you will always end up moving towards the same destination, just in a different way.
The path I chose? Well, I do believe in God, honestly, however, I believe in the four key beliefs that I listed, which stem from every religion so I just define myself as 'agnostic' to those who aren't very interested in hearing my religious spiels.
Adventures?
Two years. Yes, they were adventures during that time. Many adventures.
Dabbling in the Dark Arts
Once upon a time, there was an innocent, nerdy, insecure girl that was too scared to do anything. She feared trying new things, not because she was afraid of breaking the rules, it was because she didn't trust herself and the people around her.
Fast forward a year, a change of place, a change of attitude, a changed girl?
She decided, one night, that she was ready. She could trust herself. She would try something new. She did.
The girl drank for the first time ever at an alcohol-fuelled party and yes, she enjoyed it.
However, she was very responsible. The fact that it was underage drinking was the least of her concerns. She was worried about how she would act. She was blessed with the ability to consume large amounts of alcohol without it having any visible effects.
The girl, however, spent that night, learning her limits.
From that night on, she has probably been the most responsible drinker.
Until one day, whilst on a mini-holiday with her friends, she saw herself at her worst and it was a shock to everyone's system. Her's especially.
Getaway
A girl went on a mini-holiday, self-financed.
Her parents, being as over-protective as they are, decided that her friends weren't true friends.
This didn't phase her, seeing as her parents never like any of her friends anyway, until she gets new friends.
The getaway had opened the girl's eyes to something. Her good judge of character does not come from her parents.
One night, she was in a terrible state and her friends ploughed through it with her.
They took care of her, cleaned her up, fed her, put her to bed. All was good.
I will never forget that week, I had a lot of good memories and I found out how good-natured and true my friends are.
Harry Potter and the Exhibition
What better way to start off a new year than attending a Harry Potter exhibition?
I know! Nothing.
The exhibition was simply amazing.
I spent $105 on Harry Potter merchandise and have been wearing my scarf since.
Being a Potterhead is awesome. It's one thing that I can dedicate myself to.
Yes, I am on Pottermore and yes, I have been sorted into Gryffindor.
Go figure.
Well, I'm off.
I hope that A. Marcellus takes up writing again, she was so much more interesting than me, like Lemony Snicket.
Remember, you are the key to all of the doors ahead.
Ann3a <3
